


The Visits

by Janamelie



Series: Skipper [3]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Episode: s12e06 Skipper, M/M, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-04 01:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13353819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie
Summary: The alternate Rimmers displaced by the events of "Skipper" have various brief encounters with Lister and the others.





	The Visits

**Author's Note:**

  * For [felineranger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/gifts), [VeronicaRich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeronicaRich/gifts).



Rimmer had hardly disappeared before he was back.  Or - Lister realised after a few seconds - the Rimmer that he had displaced popped into their universe.

“What the smeg?!”

“Cool it, man.  Let me explain.”

“Lister, what on Io are you doing out of stasis?”

“I’m not your Lister.  I’m an alternate universe version. My Rimmer decided to go universe hopping.”

“I beg your pardon, sirs.  I had no idea that the quantum skipper would have this particular effect,” Kryten fretted.

“No worries, Krytes.  Knowing Rimmer he won’t last long anyway.”  Lister eyed the newcomer, who was looking around in bewilderment.  “What rank are you, Arnold?”

Cavernous nostrils flared.  “That’s Second Technician Rimmer to you, miladdo.”

Lister snorted.  “Surprised you’re not back home already.  Or are you alive in your universe?”  This Rimmer had manifested complete with Rimmer’s bluish metallic H on his forehead and shiny cerulean uniform.

“No, I’m a hard-light hologram.”  The man felt his forehead.  “Your Rimmer has a better H.”  He looked down at himself.  “And a snazzier uniform.  Why do other mes always get all the breaks?”

Lister exchanged a meaningful look with Kryten and Cat.

“Does the name Yvonne McGruder mean anything to you?” he enquired at random.

“Of course it does, you gimboid.  We slept together.”  Rimmer preened.

“How many times?”  Cat sniped.

The hologram deflated.  “None of your business.”

Kryten and Lister began quizzing him, but nothing he said conflicted with their knowledge of regular Rimmer.

“So, you’re still a Second Technician, I still went into stasis… What about the radiation leak?”

This Rimmer was clearly baffled.  “What radiation-”  He didn’t get to finish his sentence before winking out of existence.

“Oh smeg,” Lister muttered.  “I think that may just have answered my question.”

“Well, at least he’s a hologram, sir.  He’ll survive.”

“And I’ll come out of stasis in three million years.  Again.”  Lister shook his head.

 

 

“David?  What’s happening?”

_David? _“Don’t worry, Rimmer.  I can explain.”__

__“Why are you talking like that?  And what the smeg are you wearing?”_ _

__Lister bristled slightly.  “Because I’m not your precious David.  You’re in an alternate universe because my Rimmer got more smegged off with his life than usual and went quantum skipping.”_ _

__“What?  David, this isn’t funny.”_ _

__“Nah, but it’s true.”_ _

__The hologram scanned the Science Room.  He didn’t seem perplexed by Kryten’s presence at all.   “Who is this?” he asked with a glance at Cat which Lister wasn’t sure how to read._ _

__“This is Cat,” Lister volunteered as the feline rolled his eyes and began filing his nails._ _

__“Cat?  Not Rat?”_ _

__“I said Cat, didn’t I?”_ _

__“Did you get put into stasis for smuggling him on board?”_ _

__“Well, not him.  Frankie, his great-great-great - um, too many greats to count - gran.  She was preg-”_ _

__“I know,” the hologram cut in impatiently.  “Does he sleep with you?”_ _

__Three heads turned incredulously towards the newcomer.  “Exactly what the smeg are you implying, mate?”_ _

__“That’s a rather personal question, isn’t it, sir?”_ _

__“I don’t mean THAT,” the man clarified with a dismissive wave.  “I mean, does he insist on snuggling with you EVERY NIGHT and have no concept whatsoever of personal space or private lives?”  His tone made it clear that this was a habitual complaint._ _

__“Every night?” Cat echoed.  “Let me tell you, non-bud, I have about fifty better things to do!”_ _

__“Not that it’s any of your smegging business, but no.  Maybe once in a blue moon.”_ _

__Rimmer frowned deeply.  “So are you and your Rimmer - together?”_ _

__Lister shrugged.  Clearly this Rimmer had some kind of bugbear and he knew from long experience that it was quicker to just let it play out.  “Sometimes, when he’s not being a total smegger.”_ _

__“When’s that again?”  Cat scoffed._ _

__Rimmer’s face began to scrunch up ominously.  Lister just had time to realise that he was perilously close to a resentment overload when he began to flicker and disappeared._ _

__

__

__The next Rimmer looked first at Lister, then indignantly at Kryten.  “Another one?  I thought I said eight was my limit?  I may be a hologram but any more sex is going to kill me!”_ _

__Stunned, they were spared the need to reply as the man left as quickly as he had arrived._ _

__“Thank smeg for that,” Lister muttered.  “Can we pretend he never said that?”_ _

__Kryten and Cat nodded with feeling as the next hologram appeared.  He looked down at himself in happy disbelief - and vanished once more.  He was followed by a rapid procession of petrified-looking Rimmers who hardly had time to look relieved at their new surroundings before they were gone._ _

__Cat yawned.  “Well, as much fun as it is hanging around waiting for a load of identical Goalpost Heads - and by that I mean no fun at all - I’m way overdue for my midday nap.  Later.”  He exited the Science Room in an elegant glimmer of purple._ _

__

__

__

__“Dave?”_ _

__Raising an eyebrow at the greeting, Lister waited a few seconds to see if this one would stick around._ _

__Hazel eyes looked him up and down with undisguised appreciation.  “Is this some kind of obscenely expensive AR as an early birthday present?  I’d say you shouldn’t have, but who am I kidding?  This look is amazing on you.”_ _

__He advanced on Lister, arms outstretched._ _

__Lister backed away.  “Hold it, man.  I’m not your Lister.”_ _

__“Roleplay as well?  Now you’re just spoiling me.  Keep it up.”  The confident leer faltered as he spotted Kryten hovering tactfully.  “What’s this mech doing in here?”_ _

__“This is Kryten.  And this isn’t an AR game, it’s a real alternate universe.  I’m not your Lister.  You’re here because my Rimmer got hold of a quantum skipper and went looking for a universe where he has a better life.”_ _

__The expressive face he knew so well registered comprehension followed by embarrassment, but not as much as Lister would have expected from his own Rimmer._ _

__“Ah, apologies.  Dave likes to surprise me sometimes and he could easily have afforded something like this, so…”  This Rimmer coughed, his cheeks pink._ _

__“So I’m rich in your universe?  Can’t believe you’re still here, to be honest.”_ _

__The man drew himself up in a very familiar way.  “My life is an enviable one, I’ll have you know.”  He saluted in a way which was close to how the majority of the crew had done so prior to the accident, but still with a hint of the exaggeration which Lister’s Rimmer favoured.  “Navigation Officer Rimmer, at your service.”  His gaze tracked slowly down Lister again._ _

__Lister whistled.  “OK, now I get it.”_ _

__Kryten chuckled.  “If this had happened a few hours ago, sirs, I would suggest NOT going to the bunkroom so I could NOT make you both a cup of tea.”_ _

__“Actually, that sounds like a good idea, Krytes.  Let’s go.  He means you’ll be sticking around a bit longer than the others,” Lister explained at Officer Rimmer’s puzzled look.  “My Rimmer always wanted to be an Officer.”_ _

__“What rank is he in this universe then?  And what about you?”_ _

__Lister gave the Officer a searching look as they walked along the corridor.  “I’m a Third Technician.”  He allowed a combination of shock, scorn and glee to settle on those well known but still somehow different features before adding casually: “And you’re a Second Technician.”_ _

__Rimmer’s face fell.  “Even when I’m ranked above you it’s by a pitiful amount,” he mumbled half to himself as Kryten pressed the lift button._ _

__“You’re an Officer and I’m ranked above ya?!  Am I the First Officer then?”  The silence told him all he needed to know.  “I’m the Captain, aren’t I?  Wow, working-class slob makes good.”  He grinned widely and punched the air._ _

__Kryten cleared his throat.  “If I may interrupt, sirs, I’m puzzled as to why this gentleman is still here - no offence, sir.  Wouldn’t finding out Mr Lister was the Captain be enough for Mr Rimmer to give up on that universe?”_ _

__Officer Rimmer tore his gaze away from Lister.  “Maybe he hasn’t found that out yet.  He might be with my wife and children.”_ _

__“Wait, I thought you were with the Captain?  Me?”_ _

__“I am.  It’s not what it sounds like,” he added at their expressions.  “My Dave and I have been together for decades.  We came to an arrangement.”_ _

__“Arrangement?” Lister queried, the words “My Dave” echoing unwelcomely in his ears._ _

__“My parents were hassling me for grandchildren; Dave was stressed with his job.  We broke up for a while.  I was visiting my parents on Io and met Laura who wanted children but isn’t big on sex so suggested sperm implantation.  I thought it was the ideal solution - particularly as she wanted to get the smeg away from Io, just like me - so we got married.   But in the meantime Dave had gone to Venus and ended up marrying a stripper.  Classic rebound.”_ _

__“So?” Lister prompted._ _

__“Luckily Crystal is polyamorous and pointed out to Dave that there was no reason why he shouldn’t be too.  When he got back to Red Dwarf Laura and I visited him and it all got sorted out.  Eventually.”_ _

__“So you’re married with kids but also shagging the Captain - me - AND you’re an Officer.”  Lister shook his head as they arrived at the bunkroom, wondering for the first time if he might - just possibly - be lumbered with this version of Rimmer, who’d barely stopped ogling him since his arrival._ _

__Officer Rimmer’s grin was smugness incarnate.  “Indeed.  Although-”  He flickered and vanished with a startled yelp._ _

__Relieved, Lister smirked at Kryten.  “There’s always something.”_ _


End file.
